Love & Logic

What Has Love and Logic Done For Me? The Back Story: A year ago I offered to shepherd my 4th grade great-nephew through the final 3 months of the school year. In the first 6 months of that year he had been suspended from two schools and uprooted from a third due to parent relocation. I just wanted to get him through the school year and provide some stability. My great-nephew immediately caught the attention of the Evergreen Elementary School staff by cussing, hitting other kids and disrupting class. I was relieved and impressed that the school staff was patient and understanding of the child and our situation. Because of this acceptance and willingness to help us work through issues, as a family we chose to keep the child in Evergreen for his 5th grade year. The school principal and counselor needed to come to our rescue a couple more times early in the 5th grade. They assisted me to find professional counseling for the child and they encouraged me to find out about Love & Logic parenting. The Love & Logic Workshop: I signed up for the 5 week Love & Logic workshop sponsored by CISP as soon as I heard about it. It was held in a very convenient location, and even provided child care. Plus there was a free dinner each week! From that first 1.5 hour session I learned that my traditional approach to discipline was never going to work…but there was something that would work. It is easy, it makes me feel better about myself and the child immediately responded. I had found myself constantly arguing with the child and nagging him over the same things like tying shoe laces, brushing teeth, eating dinner, wearing a jacket, doing homework, bedtime, getting up in the morning, etc, etc, etc. I couldn’t get through to this child. After that first session I realized what a really great kid I had if arguing over little things was my only problem! In place of trying to intimidate or “guilt” the kid into doing what I want him to do, when I want him to do it, I let go of my need for control and offered him choices. It sounds simple and easy. In one way it is because I no longer need to get angry to achieve the end result I want, but I do need to be more thoughtful and creative in how I approach discipline. More logical. Five weeks later I have let go of things that don’t matter, as long as the child is safe. The child no longer flinches with a frozen in headlights stare when I raise my voice…because I don’t have to raise my voice. I don’t threaten if he misbehaves, but if I say I will do something, I mean it. Each time his dirty dishes or dirty clothes don’t get put in the proper place, 25 cents is subtracted from his weekly allowance. If he doesn’t want to go to the recycle center, he doesn’t have to, but he won’t earn allowance for the week. If he ignores a house rule, like washing hands before dinner, he loses 15 minutes of computer time. If he doesn’t put on his seat-belt, the car doesn’t go. If he doesn’t tie his shoelace…so what? (but the shoes only come with 1 pair of laces). In each of these little interactions, he was offered a choice. For example: You are welcome to stay at the dinner table if you can speak calmly. You may take a shower tonight or get up 15 minutes early to take it in the morning. If you don't like what is for dinner, perhaps you will like what's served at breakfast. And I am OK with whatever he chooses. Choices is the key word. A child must learn to choose, to make decisions, early in life. The decisions a 10 year old makes aren't life altering. But he may find he doesn't always enjoy the result of his decisions (he may get really cold on the occasion he declines that jacket). Much better to learn how to make smart decisions for himself now than when he is 16...or never!